The best ways to calm your upset child

Eleven-year old Peter and his six-year old brother Julian wanted to make waffles. It was 7 o’clock on a Saturday morning and they were extremely motivated. Their mom Allison had graciously dragged herself out of bed to help her boys make breakfast.

As Allison watched, the boys were working together to mix the ingredients for the waffles. She soon began to notice that her younger son was becoming envious of Peter and frustrated that he was not able to do all that his older brother was doing.

Julian wasn’t measuring the ingredients correctly and now Peter was quick to criticize him. Allison noticed that Julian was becoming more and more agitated and irritable and beginning to deliberately do provocative things to seek attention — like spilling the waffle mix and pouring in too much water.

Allison knows it’s best to address Julian before he begins an emotional meltdown.

“Are you getting frustrated?” Allison asked him. The younger boy turned to his mom but did not say anything.

“When I see you spilling the mix like that, it makes me think you may be frustrated. Would you like me to help you with the mix?”

He still did not say anything but his whole body seemed to soften just from the attention.

Allison didn’t say anything else but slowly moved towards her younger son and lightly touched him on the arm. She knew he was capable of pouring out the mix by himself but just needed some attention and comfort as he was feeling emotionally dysregulated at that moment.

In that moment of frustration for Julian, Allison was able to be her son’s ally. Rather than being emotionally agitated or triggered by her son’s attitude, and reacting in a way that may have caused a power struggle, she was able to see things more from her son’s perspective and respond to him with early detection of his frustration.

She was gentle in her approach. She was able to maintain her son’s dignity and his sense of power and control. And she modeled staying calm herself under pressure, which helped both of her sons feel safer in the experience.

Here’s how to be prepared to respond to your child’s emotional meltdowns:

1. Attune to your child’s changing emotions and behaviors
2. Catch the emotional dysregulation early
3. Be aware of your child’s stress patterns
4. Stay calm yourself
5. Understand what your child needs
6. Consider your child’s perspective (empathy)
7. Be your child’s ally and coach

Now you can begin to focus on how to empower your child with ways to calm themselves. Teaching your child how to self regulate will build their self esteem and emotional intelligence.

Here are some strategies that will give power and control to your child to help them when upset:

1. Physical activity. Physical exercise and movement produces chemicals in the body that soothe and calm. The most effective are physical activities that are patterned, repetitive and rhythmic — such as walking, jogging, biking, swinging, jumping rope or playing sports.
2. Needing space. When emotions are running high, your child may need space to calm down. If your child is upset sometimes it may be effective to just simply step back. There may also be times when you directly ask your child if he/she needs space.
3. Deep breathing. Deep breathing down to the belly changes the carbon dioxide levels in the body and activates the calming part of the central nervous system. Even young children can learn the benefits of deep breathing. With just a few slow deep breaths, your child will calm down quickly. (Blowing bubbles can help with awareness of deep breathing)
4. Distractions. Offering your child a completely engaging activity that distracts from their aggravation can be a very effective way to bring down the intensity. It needs to be something that is truly engaging to be able to change your child’s thinking patterns and emotional response.
5. Sensory activities. You can be creative in finding ways to meet the sensory needs of your child’s dysregulated brain. Going outside, taking a warm bath, listening to music, playing with Play-Doh, painting, whistling, and washing dishes are all sensory activities that can soothe and calm a jittery body.

Think about your child, specifically. What do they do when upset? What do they need when upset?

When upset, do they run to their room and refuse to talk to you? That sounds like needing space.

You can teach your child to say respectfully, “I’m very angry right now and need a break.” You let them know that it’s okay for them to need space and you’ll deal with the issue when you are both calm.

When upset, do they get hyper-aroused and always want to engage in an argument or power struggle with you or someone else?

You can teach them to go out for a jog or get on their bike or rollerblades when feeling angry. Older children can plan daily exercise including weightlifting, aerobics, yoga and more as a way to reduce overall stress.

No matter how old your child is you can help them plan soothing, calming activities to self regulate.

Think about the most challenging situations for your child — like a morning routine, doing homework, or anything else stressful during the day. Together you can create a plan for what they can do when they start to feel the emotion building up inside of them.
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