Are you listening or just waiting for your turn to talk?

Can you hear me now?

Yeah, I hear ya.

But are you listening?

Healthy communication depends on respect and understanding. Whether it’s between you and your spouse or partner, your kids, friends or co-workers, you will have closer, more trusting relationships with healthy communication.

The first step of healthy communication is active listening.

You have two ears and one mouth, so the evidence suggests that you should be listening first — really listening without shifting to the need of wanting to state your opinion on whatever topic is being discussed.

Most people aren’t listening first, though, and overall communication many times has broken down and been relegated to monologic thinking and perhaps mutual shouting, which prevents understanding and connection.

For most people, “listening” is just waiting for their turn to talk. They can’t stop themselves from thinking how to project their feelings and beliefs when it’s their turn to respond.

Do you have a healthy listener in your life? Are you a healthy listener for someone else?

Give the gift!

Active listening is a gift. It is a gift of deference to someone else’s thoughts, feelings and beliefs.

It is a gift of acceptance. You may not agree with, like or even understand what another is saying, but you accept that for them that’s how they feel.

When you actually listen to someone, it will help regulate them and get them calmer. It builds trust and safety. It will also deepen your connection with the other person and help make you both healthier.

But your brain isn’t wired to necessarily listen first. As someone is telling you something, there’s a good chance the first thing your brain will do is emotionally process what’s being said to you.

There’s a part of your brain called the amygdala, which processes and imprints your emotional response and emotional memories of experiences. Most of the incoming data from the outside world is initially processed in the sensory and emotional part of your brain through the amygdala.

The challenge is that once you start to feel a certain something about what someone is telling you, the emotional part of your brain stops you from actually listening.

Sure you may be hearing the words, but your ability is diminished to appreciate, understand, accept, and be able to reflect back what the other person is thinking, feeling or believing. Your emotional brain can hinder healthy connection.

You need to intentionally interrupt this natural process.

When someone is talking to you, you can slow down the information intake. Knowing that you may react emotionally first to what someone is sharing with you helps you better understand and redirect your response.

The best way to do that is to temporarily put your own stuff on pause. You can pause your emotional response, your feelings and judgements about what the other person is saying.

No judgement, no suggestion!

Healthy listening is connection without judgment or suggestion. To actually listen to someone else requires you to put aside your own thoughts, feelings and beliefs and meet the other person where they are.

Listening to understand means sending a message of acceptance. It doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing or liking what the other person is saying but accepting that for them that’s how they feel or what they believe.

It can also be helpful while you’re listening to someone if you focus and lock-in on their inner world and the story that they’re telling themselves. As they talk to you, consider what they may be thinking, feeling or believing. At that moment, that for them is their truth.

Finally, the initial response of active listening is about giving something back both nonverbally and verbally. You can be intentional about eye contact, tone of voice, and intentional use of other healthy non-verbal communication.

You’ve allowed the other person to share without judgment or suggestion, and you’re working hard to attune to their internal dialog and now you want to reflect back what you just heard.

Not listening

There are five (5) non listening first responses that you want to try to avoid, when listening is what the other person needs.

Your brain, like most of us, may already be wired to reassure, explain, solve, share or question another person as they are speaking, rather than actually listen.

But those responses won’t meet someone’s need for regulation and connection, which is the goal of active listening.

Reassuring someone may be a heartfelt first response to an emotional story, but reassurance stops expression and processing of feelings and emotions. It suggests that it’s time to move on, but actually this speaker may still need time to vent their emotions.

Explaining the reason for things as a first response focuses on the situation, rather than the person. You may have the urge to move the other person to consider thinking on an intellectual level rather than a feeling level. They may still need to remain on the feeling level for a bit longer before moving on to thinking.

Solving, or trying to suggest or advise, attempts to move the conversation into action mode. It denies the importance of expressing and venting feelings. It also may send the message that the other person is not capable of handling the situation.

Sharing your own story or feelings shifts the attention from the speaker to you, who is supposed to be listening! You can consider this story stealing. While sharing common experiences may seem like a legitimate form of connection, it actually shifts energy and focus from the speaker to you.

Questioning shifts the control of the conversation from the speaker to you. This then makes the speaker accountable to you for providing information that you need. This can also change the speakers train of thought as well.

All of these non-listening responses may be healthy and connecting at a different time, but they’re not actually listening.

If you sense that someone may be emotionally escalated or dysregulated, then listening is what they need.

Once they become calmer and you feel more connected to them, then some of the non-listening responses listed above may be effective for deeper connection. Every relationship is different.

So what should you say to reflect back when active listening?

Reflection and connection

Once you connect with what another person is thinking, feeling or believing, you can then reflect back your interpretation of the other person’s internal dialogue.

“You sound frustrated that your sister didn’t respond the way you wish that she would.”

“You hoped that Daniel would have asked to collaborate with you the way that he did with your other coworker.”

“It can be so difficult when you feel that no one respects your feedback.”

Using reflecting statements such as these as your initial response will help you connect with someone else and regulate them emotionally. Depending how emotionally escalated or dysregulated they may be, you may need to listen longer than you expected to before advancing the conversation.

Active listening is grounded in safety and respect. You can build trust in your relationship with another person by conveying understanding and acceptance.

Practice, practice, practice.

For some this may be a very new skill and requires some practice. Hang in there! Be kind to yourself if you have the urge to reassure, explain, solve, share or question.

We live in a world with not much listening going on and for those who master the skill of active listening, they can begin the change to healthier communication. Sometimes listening is the only thing people need.

To be a healthier active listener, you need to stay emotionally regulated yourself. Here’s something that can help — your FREE Personal Stress Plan.

Brain Strength Coach Marty Wolner is a certified and licensed stress and trauma educator, peak performance specialist, and executive coach, empowering those who want to manage their stress more effectively.

Change your stress, change your life!

Originally published at http://www.mybrain.tools on November 20, 2020.