5 Emotionally Intelligent Ways to Quickly Change Your Child’s Meltdowns

You probably remember how it feels to find yourself in the heat of an emotional moment as your child is having an emotional meltdown.

Your body sensations change. Maybe your heart begins to beat faster, you begin to perspire and feel some muscle tension.

You’re being pulled into what feels like an internal maelstrom — desperately trying to collect yourself and figure out a way out.

“I don’t want to wear those shoes”

“But they’re your favorite shoes and we’re going to do a lot of walking today.”

“They are NOT my favorite shoes”

“You need to put your shoes on”

And so it goes on, as the frustration builds for both you and your child. And then the meltdown comes. Or perhaps two meltdowns — from both your child AND you.

Parenting is never easy or fun when your child is melting down or having a temper tantrum.

You try to figure out what set them off, but it always seems like most times you’re guessing. Or maybe you know what set them off, but it seems trivial or illogical to you at the time.

Do you feel vulnerable when you get that out-of-control feeling?

There’s an emotionally intelligent way of responding to your child’s meltdowns. Emotionally intelligent parents raise more confident and competent children.

Your emotional awareness and your ability to manage your emotions is vital for emotionally intelligent parenting. And nurturing healthy emotional development in your child will determine how successful and happy they are throughout life.

Here’s how an emotionally intelligent parent changes a child’s emotional meltdowns:

1. You master ways to stay calm. It’s impossible for an upset adult to calm down an upset child. You can develop your own Personal Stress Plan with quick and simple strategies to keep your mind and body from being dysregulated by your child’s meltdown. Emotions are contagious and by remaining calm, your child will be able to calm down quicker, as well. Or the negative emotions may become more contagious and you end up saying or doing something out of frustration that later you feel bad about.
2. You LISTEN as a first response. It can be tough to actively listen to your child when they are emotionally melting down. By trying to understand, appreciate and accept how your child is feeling right at that moment will go a long way in helping them out of the meltdown. By validating emotions through active listening responses, your child will feel safer and more connected to you.
3. You focus mostly on connection. Your child will be happier and more successful in life with a healthy attachment to you. Secure attachment is based on your child’s perception of feeling seen, heard and valued, even during an emotional meltdown. You can work on deeper connection with your child in big and small ways. When your child is melting down, you can remember to react without causing fear or shame for your child. You can be intentional about building healthy “micro-connections” with them before getting into those emotionally challenging moments. Remember to always connect before you correct.
4. You’re an emotional coach. Are you effectively attuned to your child’s emotions? Do you help them identify, understand and manage their various emotions? Do you co-regulate with them when they are emotionally charged and teach them self-regulation tools? These are your responsibilities as your child’s emotional coach. You can show your child that all emotions are okay — although all behaviors are NOT okay. You can view your child’s difficult feelings as opportunities to empathize, connect, and teach. You can help them figure out strategies for coping with emotionally difficult situations. Your emotional coaching will teach your child to also be more emotionally intelligent.
5. You discipline to teach, not to punish. Effective disciplining entails teaching your child what you expect of them and proper behavior. When your child is melting down, you can respectfully focus on setting limits and boundaries, and the consequences of breaking those boundaries. You don’t need to assert your power over your child or offer punishment to try to change their behavior. You can realize that yelling, ignoring, or punishing may lead to immediate compliance (probably out of fear), but in the long run, these responses don’t teach your child to learn skills to manage their behavior.

Emotional intelligence is a combination of your self awareness, self regulation, empathy, and relationship management. Becoming a more emotionally intelligent parent will help your child become more responsible and respectful.

The next time your child begins to freak out, remember that behavior is “need-driven” and once you assess and meet that need, you will see a change in the behavior. Especially during your child’s emotional meltdown.

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