3 Simple Ways to Stop Self-Sabotaging Your Relationships

Did you do it again?

Lemme guess — things were going great in a relationship and you found a way to f*ck it up!

Well, breathe in, breathe out. There’s hope.

We’ve all been there — things are going great in a relationship, but somehow we end up getting in our own way and ruining it.

Like the runner who stumbles somewhere near the finish line.

Maybe you’re afraid of getting hurt, or you’re not sure if you’re ready for commitment. Whatever the reason, self-sabotage can be a relationship killer.

But don’t worry — it’s not all doom and gloom!

There are some simple things you can do to stop self-sabotaging your relationships and start building healthy, lasting connections.

Get Comfortable with Vulnerability

One of the biggest reasons you self-sabotage your relationships is fear of vulnerability.

It’s scary to let someone see the real you — flaws and all. But the truth is — vulnerability is a necessary part of any healthy relationship.

Showing vulnerability is the secret sauce of your relationships.

If you want to build trust and intimacy with your partner, you need to be willing to open up and share your feelings.

Why avoid showing the real you? You need to face your fears —

• Fear of rejection: Vulnerability requires you to expose your true self — which can be scary because you fear that the other person might reject you or not accept you for who you truly are.
• Fear of being judged: When you open up and show your vulnerable side, you fear that the other person might judge you or think less of you. This fear can make you reluctant to share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
• Fear of being hurt: Being vulnerable also means that you’re opening yourself up to the possibility of being hurt or experiencing emotional pain.
• Cultural and societal expectations: Our culture and society often reinforce the idea that vulnerability is a weakness, which can make you reluctant to show it in relationships.
• Past experiences: If you’ve experienced rejection, judgment, or emotional pain in the past, you may be more hesitant to show vulnerability in relationships out of fear that you’ll go through it again.

“To love someone fiercely, to believe in something with your whole heart, to celebrate a fleeting moment in time, to fully engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees — these are risks that involve vulnerability and often pain. But, I’m learning that recognizing and leaning into the discomfort of vulnerability teaches us how to live with joy, gratitude and grace.” (Brene Brown)

John and Emily had been dating for a few months, but John always held back when it came to sharing his emotions. He was afraid that if he opened up, Emily would see him as weak.

Emily knew there was emotion inside of John but she sensed he was avoiding showing it.

But when Emily finally confronted him about his lack of vulnerability, John realized that he was holding back out of fear, not strength. He started to slowly open up more, and their relationship grew stronger as a result.

Set Clear Boundaries

Another common way you can self-sabotage your relationships is by not setting clear boundaries.

When you don’t know what you want or need, it’s easy to either let others walk all over you or to push people away.

Setting clear boundaries is essential for building deep, healthy relationships. It lets your partner know what you will and won’t tolerate and gives you a sense of control over your own life — and the destiny of the relationship.

Setting clear boundaries is an important aspect of any healthy relationship.

• Identify your own needs and values: Before setting boundaries in your relationship, it’s important that you’re clear about your own needs and values. Ask yourself — what is important to me and what do I need in a relationship to feel happy and fulfilled?
• Communicate your boundaries clearly: Once you’ve identified your boundaries, it’s important to communicate them clearly to your partner. In a gentile and respectful way, be specific about what you need and what you expect from them.
• Be assertive: Setting boundaries requires assertiveness. Be clear and direct when communicating your boundaries to your partner, and don’t be afraid to stand up for yourself if your boundaries are not respected. Use “I” messages, rather than “you” messages.
• Respect your partner’s boundaries: Show mutual respect! Just as you expect your partner to respect your boundaries, it’s important to respect theirs as well. Ask them about their needs and values, and work together to find a way to respect each other’s boundaries.
• Be consistent: Once you have set your boundaries, it’s important to be consistent in enforcing them. Stick to your boundaries and don’t waiver, even if it’s uncomfortable or difficult.
• Revisit and adjust your boundaries as needed: Over time, your needs and values may change, and your boundaries may need to be adjusted. Revisit your boundaries periodically and make changes as needed to ensure that they continue to align with your needs and values.

Setting clear boundaries in a relationship can help ensure that both you and your partner feels respected and valued.

Sarah had a habit of putting everyone else’s needs before her own. She would cancel plans with her friends to be with her boyfriend, even when he didn’t reciprocate.

After one too many instances of feeling taken advantage of, Sarah decided to set clear boundaries. She told her boyfriend that she needed him to respect her time and prioritize their plans. The conversation was difficult at the time — but it ultimately strengthened their relationship.

Practice Active Listening

Finally, self-sabotage can often occur when you don’t listen to your partner.

You get so caught up in your own thoughts and feelings that you don’t take the time to understand where our partners are coming from.

Active listening is a crucial part of any successful relationship. When we truly listen to our partners, we show them that we care and respect their opinions.

Most people listen to respond. You need to learn to listen to understand.

When your partner is sharing something with you, work to put your self talk on pause and connect with what they are thinking, feeling or believing in that moment.

And then reflect that back to them. “So, you feel that we should have showed up earlier than we did.”

Connect with the emotions first and then deal with the other details.

Active listening is about empathy and acceptance — not agreement.

Michelle and James had been together for years, but their communication had always been rocky. They would talk over each other and never really listen to what the other was saying.

But when Michelle started to practice active listening — really hearing James out and validating his feelings — their relationship took a turn for the better. They were able to communicate more effectively and build a stronger connection — based on mutual emotional trust and respect — as a result.

Self-sabotage can be a difficult pattern to break — but it’s not impossible.

By getting comfortable with vulnerability, setting clear boundaries, and practicing active listening, you can start to build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

And, it’s okay not to be perfect. It’s about being more intentional — by working on yourself and your relationship skills, you can create the kind of relationships you truly deserve.

Don’t let your negative thinking hold you back any longer.

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